Colour Me In
by aka-elsie-snuffin
Summary: Sequel to A Treatise On Longing. Glimpses into Tony and Ziva's new life in a new location, with their daughter, interwoven with reflections on the past and how they got to where they are. Post-Family First. Tony/Ziva.
1. Chapter 1

Author's Notes: Hello dear readers, and welcome to the sequel to A Treatise on Longing. If you haven't read that one, this one will be a little confusing. So, you should go read it, then come right back here. As always, feedback most greatly appreciated!

Disclaimer: Not my characters, just taking them out for a spin.

* * *

One.

For so long, she didn't allow herself to think about the future. With Mossad, she could not think beyond the current mission, because survival was far from guaranteed. All it took was one bullet, one quick snap of the head. She knew how quickly death could come because she could kill in a split second. It was only a matter of time before death came for her instead. Mossad agents were lucky to live past a certain age and the clock was ticking.

And then she was saved by Jenny Shepard. Jenny had worked with her on multiple missions, knew how trapped she felt in her life, especially after she had killed Ari, even though she never complained. Jenny created the liaison position with NCIS, personally called Eli David to request his daughter because she knew this was what he wanted anyway, placed her on Gibbs' team. Gibbs had protested, claiming he did not have room on his team for an assassin, but Jenny put her foot down, and Ziva found a home. No longer in a kill or be killed world, she was allowed to relax, using the observational skills she had to learn to carry out missions to instead catch killers. And while she believed for so long that all she was good for was death, she finally learned that this was far from the truth.

Still, she longed for something, a connection. She thought she found it with Michael Rivkin, but she still isn't sure how much of their relationship was a lie. Did her father order him to seduce her the way he ordered her to kill Ari to gain the trust of a stranger? Did he genuinely love her, or was it all an act? She will never have answers to these questions, since Michael took them to his grave.

She had fewer illusions about her relationship with Ray Cruz. She knew he had secrets, all CIA operatives do, but she had secrets to keep, too. She had fun when they were together and long distance relationships suited her independent nature, or so she had thought. Now she knows that she could only stand Ray in small doses, a week skiing or on the beach here and there. He had proposed and she was so tempted, to pretend that he was the something that she was missing from her life. Marrying him would have been a disaster, so it was almost a relief when she found out that he had killed an innocent American on US soil.

She had a connection with Roy Sanders, but they had met when he was already dying. If he hadn't been dying, they likely would never have met, even though they ran past each other every day. It was romantic because of what could have happened. For all she know, he was anti-Semitic. Probably not. But, like so many things in her life, it was doomed from the start.

If she believed in superstitions the way Abby does, she would think someone had put a hex on her. Instead, she believed for so long that she simply did not deserve to be happy, to find a connection that was permanent. It took her a very long time to realize that she actually had that, just in an unexpected person.

At first, and second, glance, Anthony DiNozzo Junior was the archetypal all-American boy. The type who, when he went to another country, alienated the locals with his too loud voice, crass jokes, and inability to speak the local language. He played pranks, gave everyone nicknames, and just generally goofed off at every available turn. She enjoyed flirting with him when they first met, because he was good looking and she was sure that she would not see him again.

Somewhere along the way, she cannot pinpoint the exact moment no matter how much she goes through her many memories of him, he became an essential part of her. They forged a connection, one that was strong enough to withstand betrayals and mistrust and even death itself. For many years, she told herself it was because they were partners, but she had other partners before, including Michael, and never had so strong a bond.

Tony had her back, no matter how angry she got at him, no matter how misguided she turned out to be. He somehow got her to lighten up. Once, when she explained to him that they grew up in different worlds, that in her world, she had to grow up fast. That there was no choice. His reply was, "now you do." He took something complicated and made it seem so simple.

Even now, since she returned from the dead for the second time, he has made it simple. He accepted the daughter she kept from him for two years. He welcomed her back into his life, into his new house in a new state, like he knew she was always going to be there. He said that he did not know, that he wanted to believe she was alive and would find her way back to him eventually, but he was worried that Tali would end up with a father who lived only in the past.

She never doubted that he would make an excellent father, but seeing him with his child, with _their_ child, still takes her breath away, even after a month. He is gentle and patient, even when she starts to get frustrated with the toddler. He is her favorite playmate, going along with her games and making up new ones that make her giggle and squeal.

This man, the same one she originally wrote off as shallow, means more than she ever believed possible. And after all she put him through over the years, he still looks at her like she are someone to be desired. He comes home every day, to a house he said he picked out with her in mind, and kisses her. And in those kisses is a promise that there is a life for her here, one with him, one she never allowed herself to imagine before.

Finally, the dark clouds that covered her life for so long part and sunlight spills through, and she finds that she can take a deep breath without feeling like she might suffocate.


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: Hello, dear readers! My biggest struggle with this story has been keeping them in character. Which is difficult because we never saw Ziva as a mother and we only saw Tony as a father for like 20 minutes. Please tell me if you think they are veering OOC. And please keep the comments coming, generally. Feedback feeds my soul.

* * *

Two.

The first night she is there, he lets her put Tali to sleep. She goes through their old bedtime ritual of laying Tali down in her crib with her stuffed dog and reading her a story in Hebrew, one that her own mother used to read to her. "Ani ohevet otach, motek," she tells her daughter, kissing the top of her head.

She then makes her way back down to the living room, where Tony is sitting on the couch, the tv on but muted. She feels his eyes on her as she sits down on the same couch, but not close enough to touch him. After the rush of emotions from finally reuniting with Tali after weeks and seeing Tony for the first time in years, the awkwardness set in. He told her that there was nothing to forgive and that it was more than okay for her to be there, but she knows that it cannot be that easy, that they have many things to discuss.

The state of their own relationship, for starters. She did not know what had happened to him in their years apart but she knew better than to assume that they could slip back into the relationship they had started before she left for Israel. They would have to readjust to each other, if he is even interested in having a relationship with her.

His silence makes her realize that he is waiting for her to speak. "Tonight, perhaps I should sleep in the spare bedroom?" she suggests, trying to keep her tone light and conversational, as if the question does not seek a deeper meaning.

He opens his mouth, then pauses and seemingly gathers his thoughts. He is still steadily gazing at her with those hazel eyes she missed so much. "You looked comfortable on the new bed earlier today," he comments, his eyes smiling at her. "I think it's big enough for the both of us." Her eyes fill with tears at these words. "Hey," he adds, "what's wrong?"

She shakes her head, wipes away the tears with the palms of her hands before they can fall. "I do not understand," she says, sniffling a little. "You are making this so simple."

He brings a hand up to cup the side of her face. She leans into his touch, so familiar even after years apart. His thumb brushes lightly over her cheekbone and she closes her eyes, remembering with a rush all the times he had made the same gesture. "Well that's because it's simple," he says gently. "I spent years telling myself that if we had the chance to do it over, I wouldn't waste it. So I'm not wasting it."

"Just like that?" she asks, bringing her hands to his face, feeling the familiar stubble. Her eyes search his face for any indication that he has doubts. All she finds is steadiness and love that she hopes she is not imagining.

"Just like that," he repeats, then leans in to kiss her briefly. He rests his forehead on hers and they breathe in their proximity to each other.

* * *

He asks her, once, if she was ever going to tell him about Tali. It is a week after she parachuted back into his life, and Tali is taking her noontime nap. She is sitting on the couch, reading, trying to settle into this new life, still winding down from a long mission. He comes into the living room and sits down on the opposite end of the couch. She looks at him over her book and smiles, but for once, he does not smile back. With a serious look on his face, the one that causes his brow to crease just a little bit, and his eyes a stormy grey, he asks her that question.

Was she going to tell him? Yes. When? She has no idea. She knows she cannot lie to him, that he deserves the truth. So she tells the truth. "The longer I waited to tell you, the harder it got, and so the longer I waited. I do not know when I would have found the strength to tell you. And it is unforgivable but it is the truth," she says, rambling a little, heart in her throat. Maybe this is the moment he tells her to leave.

He smiles at her then, gently. Reaching over to touch her arm with his hand, he says, "Nothing is unforgivable."

That feeling again. That she does not deserve this man.

* * *

Two months after she sent Tony away, she realized that she was pregnant. The usual indications of pregnancy did not tip her off. Her period had been irregular in the past, skipping a month or two here and there depending on her stress level. It took months for her period to return after being rescued from Somalia. She did not have morning sickness, other than occasional bouts of nausea that she attributed to psychosomatic causes. She had sent away the man she loved because she felt she did not deserve happiness when she had caused so much grief in others' lives. Her emotions, which she used to control so well, sometimes felt out of control, so it seemed normal that she would sometimes not be able to eat anything except a few crackers.

Instead, she just knew. She had a nagging feeling in her gut that would not go away, one that she had never felt before. Instead of confirming her suspicions through a home pregnancy test, she went to her gynecologist in Tel Aviv, one she had seen in her teens and early 20s. The woman, now grey haired but with the same kind eyes, confirmed the pregnancy and held her hand as Ziva's eyes filled with tears.

She and Tony had created a life.

She had tried to hide her location well, but knew his relentlessness, his investigative skills eventually led him to her. Her strength was in fighting, not hiding. So she fought him the best she could. When he showed up at her door, unshaven and exhausted, she tried to steel herself from him, from her own desires. Her mind had been made up weeks ago and nothing he said, nothing he did would change it.

But, as he once told her long ago, the heart wants what it wants, and when he kissed her knuckles in that olive grove, told her that he was fighting for her, his eyes full of desperation and love, she could not help it. Her carefully crafted walls came tumbling down and she led him into her bed.

It did not enter her mind at the time that she had had her IUD removed when she first arrived in Tel Aviv and she had been so immersed in revisiting the past and drowning in her guilt that she had not yet had it replaced. They did not discuss birth control because this was far from the first time they had had sex, and she had told him when they first started sleeping together that she was on birth control and condoms were not necessary as long as he did not have any diseases, which offended him until he remembered that she knew his past history of one-night stands. Getting pregnant was, they both thought, a non-issue.

How very wrong they were, she thought as she touched her still flat stomach and tried to imagine the life that was forming inside. This was a child born of longing and love.

Even as he kissed her in the places he knew she liked best and moved in just the right ways to make her lose all sense of time and place, she could not escape the thought that this was one last time. A parting gift.

Maybe this was how she was meant to give penance for her past actions, carrying around this reminder of the love she did not deserve. It was for this reason that, when asked, she said she would carry out the pregnancy. As an unmarried woman in Israel, she had the right to ask to terminate it. But she would not.

Neither would she tell him. Deep down, she knew he had a right to know, that he would be at her side immediately even if she told him to stay away. She had sent him away to punish herself but also to allow him to live his life, carry on with the career he loved. She was toxic, and she did not want him to be poisoned any further by her. The only way to keep him away, to keep from hurting him further, was to not tell him.

Instead, she would live with the constant reminder of what she could have had, had she been a better person.

* * *

One evening as they are getting ready for bed, she asks him if he remembers the case with the dead cab drivers from Burundi and the woman, Saydah, who was searching for her husband. He pauses, jeans unbuttoned, then replies, "Oh yeah, she kept calling him her soul mate even though it had been years, and then it turned out he had gotten remarried and had a kid." He finishes taking off his jeans, folds them, carefully places them on an armchair in the room. His neatness is something that originally took her by pleasant surprise.

She smiles a melancholy smile and nods, remembering the woman's joy at seeing her husband after seven years and then her sadness as she realized he had moved on after assuming her dead. She had not gotten angry, just said that she understood, and then walked away, pain evident in her eyes but leaving him to his new life.

"This is what I expected I would find if I ever saw you again," she admits in a small voice, not looking at him, picking at their bedspread.

He looks at her tenderly, lifts up her chin so she has to look him in the eye. "No," he says. "I couldn't move on. I tried, but I couldn't." He pauses, then continues. "I figured you would move on. Maybe with that man candy Adam Eschel." He says it in a light tone but his eyes reveal the truth in that statement.

She shakes her head. "I couldn't move on, not with Tali by my side, looking up at me with her eyes. _Your_ eyes." She gives him a tiny smile. "Tell me about trying to move on."

His eyes narrow as if he is trying to figure out if this is a trap. It is not, or so she tells herself. What she really wants to know is if he had been seeing anyone when he learned of her death and their daughter, if she had disturbed the life he had built without her.

After a moment, he sighs, removes his hand from her chin. "One serious relationship," he admits. "It crashed and burned because I kept comparing her to you. Then I tried to, you know, date the DiNozzo way. The way I used to." What she understands implicitly by this is that he tried to revert to his days of one-night stands. "All that happened is that I got my identity stolen by one of the women I pissed off because I wouldn't sleep with her."

"Really?" she asks him, frowning at him as she tries to think if this is some American euphemism that she does not understand.

He huffs a laugh. "Yes. She got two actors to play me, even. That's when I gave up and decided that I would be alone forever. And here we are." He lays down on the bed and rolls over to his side so he is facing her. He says it all so matter-of-factly, so different from how he was before but also the same.

She mirrors his actions, facing him and giving him a shy smile. "Here we are."


	3. Chapter 3

Author's Note: Please see the end for more notes!

* * *

Three.

* * *

She wants to find a job. Not because they need the money. Eli David was a man who knew his often ruthless actions had won him many enemies, and so when he died, he left his only living child with a hefty inheritance as well as a life insurance policy payout. She saw this as his way of atoning after death for his many sins against her.

While being home with Tali is enjoyable, especially after the prolonged period apart, she is restless for a new career, not one as consuming at her prior ones, but a career that she always thought she might like. She and Tony agree that Tali should be socialized with children her own age, and so she returns to the daycare Tony had found, and Ziva begins the process of charting the course of her new professional career.

During her time in Tel Aviv, she had attended university classes part-time, leaving infant Tali with Aunt Nettie. Before Trent Kort came for her, she had been close to having enough credits to graduate with a BA in literature, thanks to prior credits she had been able to take here and there while in high school. She had always felt a little misplaced next to her NCIS colleagues for not having had the opportunity to go to a university full-time and graduate. She enrolls in a local university, and Tony encourages her to take a full class schedule so she can graduate in two semesters.

When she graduates in the summer, he insists that she take part in the graduation ceremony, claiming that it is the best part of the college experience. So she wears the cap and gown, feeling silly but proud, and walks down the aisle, and moves the tassel on her hat to the other side after shaking hands with the university's dean. Gibbs and Ducky are there as well as Tony's father, and without looking, she knows Tony is the one who whoops and Tali calls out to her in her little girl voice.

After, Tony surprises her with a graduation party, complete with a cake that reads "Congrats Grad!" Gibbs grills steaks, Ducky tells long-winded stories about his time in medical school, and Senior flirts with her until Tony subtly threatens his life. At Abby's insistence, they video chat with her and McGee during the party. Tali, who loves computer screens, makes faces into the video cam, making everyone laugh. Ziva's heart feels so full that it is almost difficult to breathe.

* * *

She finds work as an ESL teacher. Tony teases her, asking how someone who barely has a handle on American idioms plans on teaching others the English language. "The blind leading the blind," he says, his eyes twinkling. She narrows her eyes at him and informs him that most of the time, she messes up idioms because she thinks it is cute how he corrects her so quickly. He purses his lips, contemplates the truthfulness of her statement, and finally asks, "Seriously?"

In response, she gives him a teasing look and responds, "You'll never know." They both laugh and Tali joins in with her high pitched giggle without knowing why.

The ESL class she is assigned is for adults, mostly refugees, many women. One thing leads to another and she finds herself setting up a self-defense class at a local gym. Word quickly spreads that a former Mossad officer is teaching such a class and she needs to set up a second class, and still the gym tells her that there are waiting lists.

She feels that the skills that she learned in Mossad to defend herself and complete assignments, often involving killing people, are finally being used for good. She knows she did good work with NCIS, but it always had the undertone of death. Now she is teaching women how to defend against possible assault. Sometimes Tony comes to class with her to be her assistant, or as he put it, "her victim." He notes how she seems to glow during classes, in her element, finally feeling like she is doing good in the world.

Teaching ESL and self-defense are just a stop on her intended career path - she wants to get a phd and teach literature. She has always loved books and the flow of words on paper. Getting into a post-graduate program requires taking the GRE, and so after Tali is in bed and she has finished planning for the next day of class, she picks up her test prep books.

As she sits at the dining room table studying, she can sometimes feel Tony's eyes on her from the couch in the other room. When she looks up and gives him a quizzical look, one day, he smiles and says, "I love you, that's all."

She gets up from the table, walks over to him, and leans over him to kiss his forehead. "I love you, too," she murmurs before going back to her books.

* * *

One weekend, they sit on the beach as Tali plays in the sand and, without taking his eyes off their daughter, Tony says "Tell me about the day she was born."

Ziva looks at him, surprised but not. She knows he would ask at some point about the years of Tali's life that he missed and if he didn't ask, she would have told him anyway, but it comes seemingly out of nowhere.

Tali was born in the early evening, four days past her due date. For days, Ziva had waited, feeling intermittent contractions that were unproductive. The doctor had wanted to induce labor but Ziva and the midwife, an older woman with a no-nonsense demeanor that Ziva liked, had protested and asked for more time. The doctor had sighed and given her three more days.

Finally, the contractions shifted and formed a pattern, and she knew it was time. She called her midwife, grabbed the bag that she had packed two weeks ago, and went out to the front porch for the midwife to arrive.

Once they arrived at the birthing center, which was really a converted house complete with a full kitchen, Ziva immediately settled into a warm bath and breathed through the contractions that came at regular intervals. She was very familiar with pain, torture even, but this was different than any pain that had been inflicted on her. It came in waves, from her very core, but the midwife had taught her relaxation techniques to help her through. And she knew that the pain would eventually end and then there would be her baby. Hers and Tony's.

She hadn't wanted to think of him during labor, she had told herself she wouldn't in case the pain made her do something crazy, like call him. Thankfully, the contractions started coming on faster, crashing over her in stormy waves, and she had to focus completely on the task at hand.

After hours or days, Tali made her appearance. "The first time I held her, I felt…" She pauses, searching for the right word in English and unable to think of one. "Something I never expected to feel in my life."

* * *

What she doesn't tell him but she thinks about later is two weeks after giving birth. The post-pregnancy hormones were toying with her emotions and she was sleep deprived and missing him so much. Even then, she could tell that little Tali has her father's eyes, and her resolve was crumbling by the hour.

She still wanted him to live his life and so she decided to video chat with Abby, to make sure she would not be ruining things for him by reconnecting. One night after Tali was soundly asleep, she made the call.

"Ziva!" Abby had cried excitedly. "I'm so happy to hear from you! Everyone's off in the field and I am bored here."

After a few minutes of small talk, in which Ziva was very careful not to make any reference to her new status as a mother, Abby finally asked why she had called.

Carefully, Ziva asked about Tony and mentioned that she was thinking of calling him, though she left out the reason why. Abby became agitated as soon as Ziva brought him up and she quickly learned why. "Do you love him?" Abby had demanded.

"Yes," Ziva replied quietly, simply. It was a relief to finally say it out loud to someone on the NCIS team.

"Then you'll leave him alone." This was not what she had been expecting to hear, but Abby continued on, explaining how he had finally moved on and had recently started a relationship with a woman. "He missed you so much and it took him such a long time to get over you. If you really love him and want him to live his life, you'll leave him alone."

With a heavy heart, Ziva knew the goth was right. She couldn't pop back into his life, not when he was doing exactly what she wanted him to do. The baby did not change that, although she knows now that it did change everything. Abby had just been protecting him. She harbors no ill will toward the other woman, who would kill for her NCIS family.

And because she does not want to damage his relationship with Abby, she never tells him about this particular conversation. It is a secret that she will take to her grave.

* * *

Author's Note: Hi guys, please don't think I'm bashing on Abby here. She is fiercely protective of her NCIS boys and doesn't want them to get hurt, and she knew how much Tony missed Ziva. Mostly, I wanted to incorporate Ziva telling Abby that she loves Tony. Also, this is about as detailed as I will ever get about Ziva giving birth. I had a pretty traumatic pregnancy/birth, filled with lots of depression, and writing about those things makes me a bit uncomfortable.


	4. Chapter 4

Author's Notes: Hi, lovies! I did not mean to go so long between chapters, but between both my child and I getting sick again (this has not been the healthiest summer for us), I just did not have the energy to write more than a word or two. But here we go with a decently long chapter.

As always, thank you thank you thank you to everyone who left feedback. Please comment so I know you don't all hate me for leaving you hanging for so long.

Disclaimer: Not mine, etc.

* * *

Four.

She is determined to make Tali's third birthday as special as possible. Birthdays were never a big deal for neither Tony nor her after their mothers died. She wants better for her daughter, whose mother is still alive. For Tali's first birthday, Ziva's aunts brought over a small cake. Her second birthday she missed, which makes her heart hurt, and Tony says he forgot it, shame evident on his face. She understood- they were in Paris, searching for answers. His head was simply elsewhere.

This is Tali's first birthday with both her parents, and Tony agrees that this is worth celebrating.

She considers having a party at their house, but decides it is impractical. All of their friends, the people with whom they want to celebrate Tali's birth, are elsewhere. Ziva and Tony agree that they will take a trip up to DC and have a party there. Plane tickets are purchased, the necessary plans are made, and they grin at each other. Their first trip as a family, and the first time their NCIS family will see _them_ as a family. This makes her a little nervous, since she hasn't seen most of them yet. But Tony is confident enough for the both of them, and every time she feels herself getting apprehensive, he smiles at her and she is reassured.

* * *

They stay with Gibbs although Abby pouts about this until Tony reminds her that her place is too small for two extra adults and one rambunctious toddler. Tali fills Gibbs' usually quiet house with exuberance and Gibbs smiles more than Ziva remembers him ever smiling. As she does every time she sees him interact with children, she mourns for his lost daughter and all the grandchildren he will never have. She reflects on the unfairness of life. Not everyone who deserves to be a parent or a grandparent gets to become one, but here she is with a second chance at everything. Once again, she vows to herself that she won't waste it.

The birthday party for Tali is at Gibbs'. He cooks steaks for the adults and mac and cheese, Tali's favorite, for the kids. Ziva and Abby take over his kitchen to prepare everything else, including a cake made entirely from scratch. Ziva had been a little leery of usually emotional Abby's response to her supposed death and then resurrection, but either Gibbs told her to go easy on Ziva or Abby figured out how awkward Ziva was going to feel being around everyone again. Abby, with her signature pigtails and a Hello Kitty zombie t-shirt, squeals and hugs Ziva, then settles down. No lectures, no anger. Ziva is grateful.

Tali loves Abby's shirt and Abby, clearly delighted, pulls out a miniature version of the same shirt. Tali claps her hands and insists on wearing it immediately. Tony laughs as he takes a photo of the two of them with their matching shirts.

Everyone is there. McGee and Delilah, who sits delicate and birdlike in her wheelchair but allows Tali to climb onto her lap. This is the first time Ziva meets McGee's girlfriend, and she watches her with the eye of a protective sister. Delilah is animated and quick to laugh, offsetting McGee's sometimes too serious demeanor. Quickly, Ziva assesses that they are an ideal couple which, considering the diamond ring glittering on Delilah's left hand, is good. Tony congratulates McGee on finally proposing and McGee, grinning, asks when Tony will be doing the same. Ziva overhears and catches Tony's eye as he turns a slight shade of red and splutters out some version of, "Well, it hasn't been that long…"

Ducky arrives and Ziva hugs him tightly, gladly, and hands him a cup of tea. Jimmy and Breena bring their daughter, Victoria, who is a bit younger than Tali. Tony reflects later how weird it was to see the two girls playing next to each other in that toddler way. "I was patting Jimmy on the back and congratulating him on becoming a father when, halfway around the world, I already was one but I didn't know it." He says it casually, without ill will, just a sense of wonder, but guilt still invades Ziva's every bone.

Tony introduces her to Ellie Bishop, who at first seems a little awed by the other woman. Ziva finds her replacement to be intelligent and eager, and they chat easily about working on a team dominated by men. She teases Tony, who teases back like a big brother. She arrives with Clayton Reeves, the MI-6 agent who was added to the team after Tony's departure in a liaison position similar to what Ziva's had been. He and Ellie have clearly hit it off. McGee tells Ziva and Tony that it is like having them back in the bullpen with the banter and flirting, although he allows that Ellie and Clayton are much more subtle about it. Tony slaps the back of McGee's head at this, and Ziva laughs.

Abigail Borin is there and Ziva hugs her gladly. Borin smirks at Tony and tells him that he owes her for being the one to finally get him and Ziva together. "How do you figure that?" he asks.

"Oh come on, that time you and McGee were trying to ask me out? And I told you that you had better people to ask out?" Off Tony's furrowed brow, she adds, "Oh come on. Don't tell me you're so thickheaded that you didn't know who I meant. You guys started dating pretty soon after that, didn't you?"

Tony looks genuinely surprised. "How'd you know?"

Borin shrugs. "Ziva told me when we met for drinks. I think you had been together for like a month at that point." She laughs at Tony's look of surprise at this. Later, he asks Ziva about it and she looks guilty as she responds, "It just slipped out after a few drinks. I could not help it."

Fornell and his daughter, Emily, make an appearance, as do Director Vance and his children. Kayla laughs as she explains to the others how Tony and Ziva had babysat her and her brother once years ago. Ziva remembers that night. They watched Jaws and then Tony chased them around, pretending to be a shark. That was the first time it occurred to her that he would be an excellent father.

They eat, celebrate life, and talk about the good old days. Ellie and Clayton, the new NCIS family members, hear stories that make them laugh until their sides ache. Tony and his superglue pranking of McGee. Ziva putting black marker on binoculars that Tony then held to his face on a stakeout, then her paranoia at his revenge, which came in the form of dismantling her chair. "Oh, is _that_ why it's kind of unsteady?" Ellie asks. Amidst the ensuing laughter, Fornell deadpans that it is amazing they ever got anything done.

After they sing happy birthday to Tali and eat cake and open presents and generally spoil her in a way that would make Eli David frown, she drops off to sleep, her arm around a stuffed Snoopy. Victoria reaches up for Jimmy and falls asleep almost as soon as her head hits his shoulder. Jimmy and Breena are the first to leave, promising a visit down to Georgia soon so the girls can play on the beach.

Fornell tells them that he heard through the grapevine that Tony is doing well as an instructor and mentions that he knows of an instructor position at the FBI headquarters in Quantico that will soon open up. At this, Ziva and Tony exchange looks that silently promise that they will discuss it later.

The guests eventually leave. Tony and Ziva sit on Gibbs' couch and drink one last beer with their old boss, who Tony still calls "Boss." Tony comments that McGee seems to be doing well as senior field agent, and Gibbs nods his agreement. Ziva and Tony make bets on long it will take for Ellie and Clayton to decide Rule 12 is more of a guideline. Gibbs glowers at them and asks how long it took them to decide the same thing. They exchange amused looks, and Ziva answers, "Seven years, give or take." Gibbs smirks at them and counters that maybe Ellie and Clayton won't be that slow.

Tony blinks at this and protests, citing the way Gibbs railed on him when he got involved with EJ Barrett, who wasn't even a team member. Gibbs just smirks again, and Ziva laughs heartily, then says that she liked EJ. Tony shoots her a mock injured look and she laughs harder, Gibbs joining in.

That night, Tony and Ziva lay in bed and discuss the possibility of him taking the FBI instructor position. She mentions how nice it would be to be close to family and it is impossible to miss the wistful tone of her voice. They both know Tony will end up taking the position in Quantico. They have spent the last months building up their life together, their own little family, away from everything else, and it is time for them to return to their extended family. Plus, as Tony points out, it will be nice to have so many potential babysitters around.

As soon as they return home, she starts looking up graduate programs in English literature in the DC area, and he gives Fornell a call.

* * *

One night, Tony takes McGee out for drinks to celebrate his engagement and catch up. They invite Ziva, and Gibbs offers to babysit, but she declines, telling them that they deserve a guy's night. Abby overhears this and invites herself over to Gibbs' for a girl's night with Ziva and Tali. She invites Delilah, too, but she has to work. Gibbs retreats to his basement to work on his boat after eating pizza with his girls.

After Tali goes to sleep, tired out from having her nails painted by Abby and performing a dance for her in return - during which Abby notes that she seems to have inherited Ziva's dancing ability and not Tony's, to which Ziva shrugs and says Tony is not a bad dancer - the two women settle onto the couch with glasses of wine to have serious girl talk.

Ziva asks about Abby's love life and Abby purses her lips. "Nothing special," she says. "Guys tend to get freaked out by the whole coffin thing, and if they don't, they turn out to be way too weird, even for me. But I've got work and bowling with the nuns and I started volunteering as a dog walker at the animal shelter. It's almost as good as having my own dog." She pauses for a moment, then exclaims, "Oh my god, let me tell you about this one guy I went on a date with…" She spins a tale involving bondage and a tattoo designing contest that makes Ziva laugh harder than she has laughed in a long time.

Once they have settled back down, Abby's face turns serious and she asks if Ziva told Tony about _that_ conversation. Immediately, Ziva knows to what she is referring, and she shakes her head. "I feel so bad about that," Abby says, her pigtails looking droopy. "I wish you had _told_ me about Tali. That would have completely changed my answer and then you and Tony wouldn't have had all those years apart."

Ziva smiles gently at the downcast goth. "I know, Abby," she replies. "I did not tell you about Tali because I did not want it to factor into what you said. And I will not tell Tony about the conversation. It is no use to dwell on the past."

"I did tell Tony about you telling me you love him," Abby says and Ziva raises an eyebrow. "It was right before he left NCIS, and I wanted to make sure he knew how you felt about him. He was such a mess, thinking you were dead and finding out about Tali at the same time."

Again, Ziva feels that pang deep in her heart, guilt about what she had put Tony through. She wonders if that feeling will ever completely disappear. Maybe she does not want it to go away. It feels a small punishment compared to the happiness in which she is surrounded lately.

* * *

The rest of their trip is spent taking Tali to all of their favorite places in DC. Many of these places Tony already took Tali, but that was before. Every place is more vivid, more interesting with Ziva there with them. He tells her this, and in a rare show of public affection, she reaches up to brush her lips over his before running to catch up with Tali, who wandered away to smell dandelions, which she thinks are flowers.

* * *

The day before they leave DC, Ziva leaves Tony and Tali napping and goes over to Arlington National Cemetery. It has been many years since she last visited Roy Sanders' grave and she feels compelled to visit. She winds her way around the identical white crosses until she comes to his. Crouching in front of the cross, she talks to it, to him. She apologizes for not visiting for so long and explains what happened in the interim, about her father and her guilt and Tony and Tali and her last mission.

Talking to a gravestone was something she used to think was pointless, until she started talking to Roy's grave. In death, as in life, she finds that words come easily to her around him, and it feels good to get everything out. Before she leaves, she touches the cross marking his grave and says, "I said that I will not forget you. Goodbye, Roy." She turns and walks back to her car, knowing she will not come back.

When she returns, the rest of her family is still napping. She lays down on the bed next to Tony, snuggles close to him. He puts his arm around her waist, sleepily asks her where she went. "Visiting an old friend," she tells him.


	5. Chapter 5

Author's Note: Finally, a new chapter! I had some of it written weeks ago and then got stuck. But I read a prompt, had a flash of inspiration, and here we are. It's not a long chapter, but it's something. Enjoy!

Cross-posted as usual on ao3.

* * *

Five.

While she was holed up in a small, run down hotel in Budapest, awaiting intel from Orli Elbaz regarding Trent Kort's second-in-command, her thoughts wandered to Somalia. More specifically, the dreams and hallucinations. Most of them are a blur, too full of pain to remember clearly, but there are a few that stand out. They involve Tony, Gibbs, her sister Tali, Ari, her mother. And Lieutenant Roy Sanders. She hadn't thought about him in so long, and even now he is a faded, sepia-tinted photograph, a long lost maybe love. She marvels at how she spent mere hours with this man and knew he was dying the whole time but fell in love all the same. He was her ideal. A runner, dedicated to serving his country, a reader, similar sense of humor, easy on the eyes.

She only had this particular dream once but it stuck in her mind for months after she returned to DC. She woke up in her apartment in DC, the one that got blown up by Mossad. Roy was there, they went for an early run together, and then they showered together, made breakfast together. It was just a normal day, spent doing everything together. Like a couple in love. A glimpse into a life she could have had with him.

Gibbs once told her that perfect is boring. Maybe they wouldn't have lasted, but because she never got the chance to find out, there will always be romance there. And in Somalia, Roy helped her embrace death. He was waiting for her, along with Tali, her mother, and countless childhood friends who died much too soon. With a welcoming party like that, and endless torture filling her waking hours, of course she was ready to die.

Instead, Tony and Gibbs and McGee all swooped in and saved her. She knows of course that Tony led the whole operation, that he risked his life to get revenge for her. And sitting on that uncomfortable hotel bed in Hungary, she missed him down to her very bones.

She also missed Tali. Her sunny daughter, with her father's eyes and mischief, and her own smile. She hoped she and Tony were getting along well, and that Tony's phobia of children did not apply to his own blood. Something told her that Tony was Tony and he was nothing if not loyal. Even if he was pissed at Ziva for not telling him, he would not hold it against Tali. If something went wrong on this, her last mission, and Ziva was unable to go to them, she knew they would be okay.

From the duffel bag from which she had been living the last few weeks, she fished out a folded piece of paper. Carefully, she unfolded it, smoothing out the well-worn creases. On the paper were no words, just blue paint in the shape of small hands. She put her own hands over those little handprints and swallowed the sudden lump in her throat.

Before she had left Tali in the capable arms of Orli Elbaz, the two of them had had a full day together, where they did all of Tali's favorite activities. They played music and danced. They had a tea party with Kelev and her other stuffed animals. They played with paint, using brushes and fingers to push colors around paper, creating abstract designs. And she had helped Tali dip her hands into the paint and slowly, carefully, make handprints. Tali had chosen blue, her favorite color. Although she wanted to hold on to all the artwork from that day, she knew she had to pack light, and so she brought along just this.

That night, she fell asleep with the handprints next to her, wishing for the day when they could be reunited. Maybe, just maybe, Tony would forgive her, and he would help rebuild the heart that had cracked when she had sent Tony away three years ago and then shattered when she had to leave Tali. Happiness was not a feeling to which she was accustomed, but in that dingy room with the faded bedspread, she let herself have hope for it.

* * *

One day, as she and Tony are packing up their little house in Georgia, she comes across that duffel bag. And inside is the piece of paper with Tali's little handprints. She takes it out, unfolds it much the way she often did during those lonely months. The paper is worn, with tears at the outsides of the creases despite her care. Tony stops moving his suits to a wardrobe box and goes over to stand behind her, bending down to rest his chin on her shoulder. "Is that Tali?" he asks.

"Yes," she says. "Just before she flew to the US to meet you. This was all I had of her while we were apart." She traces the handprints with a finger, remembering the loneliness.

He gently turns her around so she is facing him. "Where were you during those months?" he asks.

Her face becomes so sad that he almost takes it back, tells her that he doesn't care because she is here now and the past is the past, but then she takes a deep breath and begins her story. Criss-crossing around Europe and the Middle East, spending weeks in out-of-the-way motels where no one would think to look for her, gathering intelligence and waiting. Using fake names, because she was presumed dead.

And because they talk about feelings now, she tells him about how alone she was, often going days without speaking to anyone, sometimes talking to herself just to make sure she still had a voice. How she longed for Tali, and for him. How the loneliness reverberated in her empty body like a sad, endless echo.

There is nothing that he can say in response when she is out of words. Instead, he just kisses her, chasing away the ghosts, reminding her wordlessly that she is no longer alone, that she now has something that cannot be taken away - a proper family.


	6. Chapter 6

Author's Notes: Hi everyone! Instead of leaving you all hanging, I am ending this story. I feel like Ziva's journey has come full circle and it's time. Domestic bliss fanfiction is just not something I want to write right now. I might write more in this universe someday, but for now, I leave you with this little drabble.

Thank you so much to everyone who followed and left feedback on this story and A Treatise on Longing.

* * *

The move back up the coastline feels like it takes forever, but once they are there, time speeds back up. Tali is confused, her three year old brain unable to wrap her head around the idea of moving, so they tell her it is an adventure, and this seems to please her.

"Like Paris?" she asks.

"Yes," Tony replies. "But better, because Ima is with us." And over her head, his hazel eyes twinkle at Ziva.

They move into a small house halfway between Quantico, where Tony now works, and DC, where Ziva attends graduate school. She teaches a few classes in both literature and self-defense. Their lives are surprisingly similar to the ones they left behind in Georgia, with work and Tali and the beach on the weekends. But now, their extended NCIS family joins them when possible.

When she stops to think about it, Ziva is overwhelmed by how lucky she is, that she has a place to fit in after what feels like years on the outside. It would have been enough for her to watch Tali grow up, become her own person with a distinct personality. But now she gets to do it with Tony, her constant, the one person on whom she can always rely.

Their lives become simultaneously mundane and wonderful. Filled with the little everyday routines that she never thought she would be allowed. They still have their adventures, but gone are the extreme uncertainties that used to dominate.

They get married. A quiet affair, with just Tali and the NCIS family. It feels almost anticlimactic after the years of longing looks and aching hearts, but it is right. She originally objects to getting married, that it is just a formality, affirming that which they already know - that they are in this life together, as partners in every sense of the word. But Tony gives her a pleading look and she realizes that she really does want this formality.

And some years later, when Gibbs' life is at its end, he leaves his house to them. On his deathbed, he tells Tony, "It's time for the old house to be filled with laughter and happiness again." And then he beckons to Tali, who considers him a grandfather, and whispers in her ear the secret of how he got those boats out of his basement.

And tells her not to tell anyone else.

END.


End file.
